


One More Day

by scribblemyname



Series: Be Compromised 2014 Promptathon [4]
Category: Captain America (Movies), The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Angst, Brainwashing, Character Study, Community: be_compromised, Established Relationship, F/M, Mental Triggers, Post-Captain America: The Winter Soldier, Post-HYDRA Reveal, Spies and Assassins, Truth & Lies
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-17
Updated: 2014-08-17
Packaged: 2018-02-12 05:55:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 841
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2098146
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/scribblemyname/pseuds/scribblemyname
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>There is a trigger inside of her head. No one is allowed to know who you really are, Chernaya Vdova. If they do, you must kill them.</p><p>It was Maria who taught her loopholes, Maria who told her, 'It doesn't actually say when.'</p>
            </blockquote>





	One More Day

**Author's Note:**

  * For [samalander](https://archiveofourown.org/users/samalander/gifts).



> Prompt by _samalander: [Every morning, she makes the decision not to kill him for one more day.](http://be-compromised.livejournal.com/412023.html?thread=7757431#t7757431)

There is a trigger inside of her head. _No one is allowed to know who you really are, Chernaya Vdova. If they do, you must kill them._

It was Maria who taught her loopholes, Maria who told her, 'It doesn't actually say when.'

 

 

 

There is a trigger inside of her head. _You are a weapon, Chernaya Vdova_. _If you are compromised, you must be reset._

It was Maria who taught her technicalities, Maria who told her, "They didn't define 'compromised.'"

 

 

 

There is a trigger inside of her head. _You belong to Russia, Chernaya Vdova. If your conditioning is altered, you must stop._

Stop meant end, cease, cease to breathe, cease to be...

Die.

 

 

 

Agent Clint Barton was sent to kill the Black Widow, in Russian, chernaya vdova. He shot her and did not miss.

 

 

 

When Natasha says, "I have red in my ledger," she means that she has been compromised and the delicate balance in her mind that still measures carefully her loyalty and obedience has come undone. She must balance it or let the headache turn into a reset option the KGB programmed straight into her brain.

Steve asks her once, "How did you get yourself back?" and it shocks her into staring at him silently. She didn't. She can't. He does not understand the point of layers upon layers of lies upon lies. He does not understand that survival demands she hide the truth of who she is— _from everyone_.

 

 

 

Agent Clint Barton brought her in and Director Nicholas Fury promised to try to heal her mind from all that Russia had done to it, but even SHIELD resources could not get around her triggers.

_If your conditioning is altered, you must stop._

 

 

 

Every morning of downtime, Natasha wakes to the overpowering smell of coffee in the maker, regardless of whether Clint is still sprawled beside her beneath the covers or not. He has it on a timer and drinks it like he needs it to breathe.

She wakes up, she takes a sharp pained breath like a gasp, and if Clint is awake, he does not touch her, does not look at her, knows that she needs him not to _see_ her.

_No one is allowed to know who you really are._

She doesn't have to kill him today, she tells herself, slowly, carefully. She waits to see if the trigger constricting her breath has released. If it has not, she tells herself again, _You don't have to kill him today_.

The tension eases, and Natasha inhales the taste of freedom, the treasured knowledge that he is hers for one more day.

She crawls out from under the covers and drags Clint out behind her.

 

 

 

There is a trigger in her head, wrapped in compromise and fooled by sleight of hand. _You belong to Russia._ "Love is for children," she says. Children do not have triggers in their heads.

 

 

 

The first time she felt herself bared before him, they were tangled together on the bed, still breathing hard from the aftermath. She stared down at Clint and caught her breath at the knowingness in his gaze, the tenderness in his touch as he brushed her hair back from her eyes.

He _saw_ her.

Natasha's eyes widened as she whispered in realization, "I'll kill you. I'll kill you, Clint." She wanted to frighten him away from her. She wanted him to run. He was strong enough to fight her, and there were no triggers for mission failure.

But Clint reached up and kissed her very, very gently. Her heart stuttered and she stared at him, despairing.

"Not today," he murmured.

He knew.

 _Not today._ The words were balm as she consigned the date to the end of her intel-gathering and curled back into his arms.

 

 

 

When Natasha says, "I owe him a debt," she means that he put an arrow through her flesh, that he told her, "If you come with me, you'll at least gather good intel before you decide."

Nicholas Fury did not know whether he could trust her. He knows there is a trigger in her head. _You are a weapon, Chernaya Vdova._ He knows that she survives by telling herself she is gathering intelligence and secrets. He knows that once she knows all there is to know about SHIELD, she can never stay there again.

 

 

 

She feels betrayed when they learn what HYDRA has done. She feels betrayed because there is no tension, only sheer and blessed relief.

 

 

 

"Clint," she whispers in the safehouse dark. She's blown all her covers. She is compromised. _"Clint,"_ with urgency because if she is compromised, she must stop.

He gives her what she needs: "You are Natasha Romanov and you are trusted by the Avengers. They accept you. You can track what's left of SHIELD from there."

Words brush against her triggers like a tidal wave of ticks and balances, falling into the red abyss of her ledger. A mission born from her mission. She is not compromised.

Yes.

"Thank you."

She does not have to kill him today.


End file.
